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【名師改作文】托福獨立寫作真題:小學生一節課應該上多長時間最合適?

作者:沈陽新航道 2020-03-04 16:36
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近期,我們從征集來的作文稿件中選出了一篇較具代表性的考生作文,新航道金牌教師、《新托福寫作真經6》的作者庾翔老師親自修改,為這位小伙伴的托福寫作指點迷津,也希望能對大家之后的托福寫作有所點撥。


庾翔老師,新航道長沙騰飛學院副總監,教授托福寫作&閱讀,SAT文法,ACT寫作,托福首戰111。曾混跡國內知名字幕組,如今征戰教學一線數余載,被學生贊譽“能將學生對寫作的厭惡感清零的翔哥”。


本期評改作文題目如下:


Some people think that young students (between the age of 5 and 10) should have the class that is shorter than one hour. Others think that those young students should focus for a longer period.


Which of the two views do you agree with?


1.學生原文第一段


Nowadays, many students started have classes at their very young age. They take many different kinds of classes, while there is a debate above young students should have the class that is shorter than one hour or they should focus for a longer period. In my opinion, i think students should focus for a longer period.


老師點評


很多學生一般在首段會先寫一兩句去闡述跟題目相關的社會現象或事實,以此作為背景來引出題目并表達中心觀點。但是這樣寫往往會出現背景信息與題目過渡生硬。比如上面這一段,學生先寫很多學生很小就開始上學,在學校要上不同的課,接下來突然提到現在大家在爭論年紀小的學生的課堂是要短于一個小時還是更長。背景和觀點銜接不上的問題在之前的作文修改中就曾指出過。解決的方法是可以把句間的連貫做好,當然還可以不寫這些信息。


老師修改


Nowadays, many children start schooling at a very young age. Usually, they attend primary school from five to ten years old. Taking many different kinds of classes every day, they often have to focus for about one hour or more in each class. This engenders growing public concern among some people who propose that classes aiming at students aged between five to ten should last shorter than one hour. In my opinion, these young students should focus for a longer period.


2.學生原文第二段


Focusing for a longer period could help students improve their concentration. We all know that good habits should be cultivated from childhood before is too late. Children have better learning ability than adults. Since habits one formed are hard to break, we need to cultivate students from very young age so that they would not distract when they grow up. And the concentration is one of the most important ability which people need to have, this is critical to their future successful, because everything need to be concentrated such as work, study and so on. Focusing for a longer period is the best way to teach kids to concentrate. All the young kids should be required to focusing a long period of time. Only then, are they able to concentrate in their future life. Take my little brother as an example, who used to take English class from 5 years old. His English classes are two hours each, which is a very long time for a young kids. Thanks to this, my younger brother could concentrate on everything he do when he grow up, which improve his efficiency. He could read all afternoon in his room without any distraction. But for me, i am not as lucky as he is. I have never take a long class when i was young. The longest class i have taken is just for one hour, so i cannot always concentrate on what i do but be distracted by other things. Each time when i doing my homework, i will be distracted by my classmate who is talking next to me. I really want to change this situation, but since i didn’t cultivate this kind of ability when i was young, i have to spend a very long period of time. And i haven’t change this bad habit up to now.


老師點評


這一主體段在前部分的解釋出現了首段一樣的問題,句間銜接不自然。第一句為本段分論點——“課程持續更長時間可以幫助學生提升專注力”,第二句轉而提及好習慣從小培養,第三句又開始說 “孩子的學習能力比成年人好”。

 

結合后面幾句的內容,理順學生的邏輯:課程持續更長時間可以幫助學生提升專注力——專注力是人們必備的重要能力——因為學習工作等事情都需要專注——培養專注力的最佳方式就是養成長時間全神貫注的習慣——好的習慣需要從小培養——所以可以通過延長課程時間來培養小孩子的專注力。

 

關于句間銜接,《新托福寫作真經6》中有不少段落就作了非常好的示范。銜接自然的句子基本都會下一句包含上一句的一些信息,這樣才能環環相扣。比如第170頁的第1個主體段,該段第一句先提到回收利用廢物可以延緩自然資源的消耗。第二句提到自然資源的過度開發最終會摧毀環境。第三句和第四句舉例,金屬的開采和使用到電子產品中都會污染環境。第五句說于是人類跌入一個惡性循環:不斷消耗資源,不斷污染環境。第六句引出循環利用資源毫無疑問將是日益增長的人口需要關注的。最后第七句總結全球70億人口,每個人應該積極回收利用像紙張、購物袋和舊點子產品等物品。


老師修改


Classes of a relatively long period of time could help students improve their concentration. Concentration, as is known to all, is one of the most important ability people need to have, critical to their future success. This is because almost everything need to be concentrated such as work, study and so on. The best way for one to cultivate concentration is for people to form the habit of focusing their attention on things for a longer period. Due to the facts that good habits should be cultivated from childhood and children are by and large fast learners, long class time when children are at the age of 5 to 10 requires them to be attentive in class and thus can keep honing their concentration on a daily basis. Take my little brother, who used to take English class from 5 years old, as an example. His English classes were two hours each, very long for a young kid. Thanks to this, my younger brother could concentrate on everything he does when he grows up. He could read all afternoon in his room without any distraction. I am, however, not as lucky as he was. I have never taken a class lasting for more than one hour when I was young. I cannot always concentrate on what I do but will be distracted by other things. Each time when I do my homework, I will be distracted by my classmate who is talking next to me. 


3.學生原文第三段


Although someone may think focusing for a long period of time is a challenge to the kids and we should not push our kids so hard, i have to say you must do this when they are young before is too late. Children may have difficulties on learning how to focus, but once they have done they will be benefit forever. However, If they not, they would have to spend much more time on this.


老師點評


最后兩段沒什么大問題,補充了一個讓步段并且最后一段結尾,需要注意人稱代詞的統一,以及個別地方的用詞。


老師修改


Although some may think focusing for a long period of time is a challenge to kids and kids should not be pushed so hard, I have to say habit should be formed as early as possible before it is too late. Children may have difficulties in learning how to focus, but once they make it they will benefit from the habit forever. However, if they not, they would have to spend much more time on this when they grow up.


4.學生原文最后一段


According to what i have discussed above, we could easily draw a conclusion that students should focus a longer period than one hour.


老師修改


According to what I have discussed above, we could safely draw a conclusion that students aged from 5 to 10 should have classes of a longer period than one hour.


在寫作名師庾翔老師的指點之下,對這篇作文有沒有茅塞頓開的感覺?《新托福寫作真經6》中還有更多的真題,寫作范文和寫作策略指導,還不快快動手操練起來!


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